Posts tagged ‘comedy’

8/3/17

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On family feud

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Yall Are Petty: Collection Agencies

Everyday I navigate the planet, and am faced repeatedly with yall being petty. This column is to address yall’s petty bullshit. Call it calling out, or calling in, or maybe just calling bullshit. I’m calling yall petty, and this is why:

We all know collection agencies are petty. You owe some business $400 and so they call you three times a day for infitity to collect. Which can’t work out so great economically for them, but hey what do I know. 

One of the ridiculous aspects of their approach is that they often refuse to tell you who they are or where they are calling from. So petty.

 I picked one of these calls up the other day. The guy on the phone asked who I was. I asked who he was. I caved and told him my name. He refused to tell me his name or to what matter the call was regarding. He then asked me to confirm my address. I told him I was not going to give some stranger on the phone confirmation of my address. I asked again, what the call was regarding. He again refused to tell me. He then informed me that if I did not tell him my address he was going to have to make a “notation in my file that I refused to confirm my address”. I told that turd that I was making a notation in HIS file thay he refused to confirm who he was and was representing.

He did not have a response and I hung up the phone. He was being petty. To all yall telemarketer scum, I see yall being petty out there. But you do not control the boundaries of interaction. Your script may lead you to think so, but I am not tied to any script.

Why waste everyone’s time? I am either going to pay you if I do owe you, or I am not. There are plenty of scammers and liars who try to trick people into paying them, so any person is justified in being highly suspicious of you. Tell me who you are so I can hang up knowing.

To everyone working as a soldier of capitalism, I encourage you to humanize yourself in your interactions with others, and keep their humanity in mind as well. Everyone getting this calls, these are interactions we can take over. Change the limits of them. 

Keep a file. Report their behavior. Refuse to be demeaned or demoralized. Hang up the phone.

Ultimately my advice is to stop fucking calling me. Giant corporations are robbing the people 24/7, you’re CEOS should be satiated. Stop being turds.

If you’ve noticed people being petty, submit your complaint and maybe I will expound upon it. If you’re mad because I pointed out how petty you are, sounds like you are being extra petty. Either way, mokarnage@gmail.com

Yall Are Petty: Air Bags That Kill You

Everyday I navigate the planet, and am faced repeatedly with yall being petty. This column is to address yall’s petty bullshit. Call it calling out, or calling in, or maybe just calling bullshit. I’m calling yall petty, and this is why:
I drive a 2010 Ford Fusion Hybrid. Which is great because we live 30 minutes from everywhere. A couple of months ago, as all my cars do, it started fucking up. Specifically, the brakes stopped working. Every light on the dashboard potentially associated with the brakes was lit up. From the cool swervy ones, which I think just mean you are having fun, to ones alerting me to no brakes, no ABS, etc.  Exciting stuff. The kids were at daycare, so I drove with no brakes to a client’s house to look at a window job.  Then I drove with no brakes to our mechanic. They took a look and it turned out there was something wrong with the computer. Computers in cars is an entirely different column. Anyways, from what they could tell, the problem was proprietary enough and potentially hybrid specific enough they suggested I take it to the dealer. Great there goes all my money. So then I drove with no brakes to the dealership. I am available for hire as a stunt driver, fyi.

At the dealership I am bitching about there being a goddamn computer in my car in the first place, when the sales guy tells me there is a recall on my car. Not what you want to hear, although for a second I was hoping it had to do with the brakes. No such luck. Apparently my car, and also like every other car, has a type of airbag that has been recalled. I tell the guy, who is also named Mo, but he has an ‘e’, so I tell Moe great, fucking fix the airbags while you’ve got it here.

Not possible, it turns out. They don’t know when they will get in airbags to replace the faulty ones. Everyone it seems uses the same manufacturer of airbags, so it is not just a Ford problem. I ask if they would cover just removing my goddamn airbags since they are liable to kill me anyways. No dice. What is this petty shit.

A few weeks and several thousand dollars later, I’m driving in my car WITH brakes and listening to NPR cause I am a nerd, and there is an enlightening story about how the airbag manufacturer company is declaring bankruptcy. Takata is a sinking ship. Who will replace my dangol airbags? I don’t want to drown with Tacata! Does anyone have a factory I can use to start manufacturing my own airbags? I hear there is a market for good non lethal airbags…

But basically, it would appear that there is a faulty part in many vehicles on the road, which can explode which cause extreme/extraneous injury and also death, and this is a known issue, which you may be informed of, but which you can do nothing about until someone lends me the funds to start a fucking airbag factory. Whag makes this extra petty is that ot is a SAFETY feature. “Safety”. Oh yea, and older models in humid areas *ahem* are supposed to be repaired first, but it might be several years until everyone gets repairs and also maybe one out of four cars has this issue.

COOL. Can I sue Ford before I get exploded on, or do I need to wait til I’m schrapneled? This is bureaucracy is it not? This is a lack of corporate accountability. Fuck Takata, what about the car manufacturers who bought and installed these faulty bags of air. It should be on them to be accountable to me, and Takata to be accountable to them.

So to you Moe with an ‘e’ and everyone else at the Ford Dealership, yall are petty. Ford yall are petty (you are still actually my favorite shhhh), and Takata yall are petty too.

I like explosions as much as the next American, but I’m not trying to have one go off in my car. The whole situation is petty.My advice is fo you to seriously start a manufacturer of non deafly airbags posthaste.

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