Posts tagged ‘petty’

Yall Are Petty: Urgent / Scam Mail

Everyday I navigate the planet, and am faced repeatedly with yall being petty. This column is to address yall’s petty bullshit. Call it calling out, or calling in, or maybe just calling bullshit. I’m calling yall petty, and this is why:

I assume many of you are familiar with the type of mail which comes sealed tight and with three perforated edges which must be removed in a particular order so as to not disrupt or adversely tear the space time continuum. Often these sorts of complex paper sculptures contain one of my favorite things to receive in the mail, which is a check! Money! Love it!

When I am not expecting a check, or have not recently signed on to an online class action lawsuit based on mislabeling or bad advertising by some food company, these three tear sided papers become a different animal altogether. You may notice they come with bold words like “urgent” “final notice” “please for the love of god open me” “time is running out” etc. These urgent mailers also come in your standard letter envelope as well. 

I think these sorts of approaches to junk mail are petty as hell. They imply that there is some preexisting business arrangement or contract. And occasionally some urgent or final notice mail appears that is legitimate. Sometimes (ha) I forget to pay bills. Big deal. 

The joke is on all urgent mail senders, scammers or not. I have a petty as hell internal algorithym, which means that the more urgent and serious a piece of mail looks, the longer it takes me to open it. Longer meaning well into the span of months. Also this internal petty system of mine is great at losing said pieces of mail in lieu of opening them. Leave an unopened “final notice” bill in a satchel long enough and it vanishes into the depths of granola crumbs and squished dreams.

When I do get around to opening these urgent pieces of mail I have found that over half of them are not even worth procrastinating, they are spam that is just going in the trash. Wasting my powerful procrastination skills on nothing. So petty of these companies.

I have a busy life. A lot to do everyday, more than fits timewise. There is a hell of a lot more going on that is truly urgent than some threatening piece of paper. A full baby diaper is urgent. Me owing some asshole corporation $100 bucks is not. 

Urgent mail is petty. My not opening mail is pettier. My advice on this one, is realize I’m not gonna pay you and save yaself a stamp. My more serious advice is that all the urgent type language on envelopes sets off my anxiety like woah, and I am probably not the only one. I doubt the urgency you print onto things helps you get people to pay. Submit to my superior pettiness. When I finally do open your bill, it’s just going in my folder titled ‘Bills I Don’t Intend to Pay’.

If you’ve noticed people being petty, submit your complaint and maybe I will expound upon it. If you’re mad because I pointed out how petty you are, sounds like you are being extra petty. Either way, mokarnage@gmail.com

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Yall Are Petty: Air Bags That Kill You

Everyday I navigate the planet, and am faced repeatedly with yall being petty. This column is to address yall’s petty bullshit. Call it calling out, or calling in, or maybe just calling bullshit. I’m calling yall petty, and this is why:
I drive a 2010 Ford Fusion Hybrid. Which is great because we live 30 minutes from everywhere. A couple of months ago, as all my cars do, it started fucking up. Specifically, the brakes stopped working. Every light on the dashboard potentially associated with the brakes was lit up. From the cool swervy ones, which I think just mean you are having fun, to ones alerting me to no brakes, no ABS, etc.  Exciting stuff. The kids were at daycare, so I drove with no brakes to a client’s house to look at a window job.  Then I drove with no brakes to our mechanic. They took a look and it turned out there was something wrong with the computer. Computers in cars is an entirely different column. Anyways, from what they could tell, the problem was proprietary enough and potentially hybrid specific enough they suggested I take it to the dealer. Great there goes all my money. So then I drove with no brakes to the dealership. I am available for hire as a stunt driver, fyi.

At the dealership I am bitching about there being a goddamn computer in my car in the first place, when the sales guy tells me there is a recall on my car. Not what you want to hear, although for a second I was hoping it had to do with the brakes. No such luck. Apparently my car, and also like every other car, has a type of airbag that has been recalled. I tell the guy, who is also named Mo, but he has an ‘e’, so I tell Moe great, fucking fix the airbags while you’ve got it here.

Not possible, it turns out. They don’t know when they will get in airbags to replace the faulty ones. Everyone it seems uses the same manufacturer of airbags, so it is not just a Ford problem. I ask if they would cover just removing my goddamn airbags since they are liable to kill me anyways. No dice. What is this petty shit.

A few weeks and several thousand dollars later, I’m driving in my car WITH brakes and listening to NPR cause I am a nerd, and there is an enlightening story about how the airbag manufacturer company is declaring bankruptcy. Takata is a sinking ship. Who will replace my dangol airbags? I don’t want to drown with Tacata! Does anyone have a factory I can use to start manufacturing my own airbags? I hear there is a market for good non lethal airbags…

But basically, it would appear that there is a faulty part in many vehicles on the road, which can explode which cause extreme/extraneous injury and also death, and this is a known issue, which you may be informed of, but which you can do nothing about until someone lends me the funds to start a fucking airbag factory. Whag makes this extra petty is that ot is a SAFETY feature. “Safety”. Oh yea, and older models in humid areas *ahem* are supposed to be repaired first, but it might be several years until everyone gets repairs and also maybe one out of four cars has this issue.

COOL. Can I sue Ford before I get exploded on, or do I need to wait til I’m schrapneled? This is bureaucracy is it not? This is a lack of corporate accountability. Fuck Takata, what about the car manufacturers who bought and installed these faulty bags of air. It should be on them to be accountable to me, and Takata to be accountable to them.

So to you Moe with an ‘e’ and everyone else at the Ford Dealership, yall are petty. Ford yall are petty (you are still actually my favorite shhhh), and Takata yall are petty too.

I like explosions as much as the next American, but I’m not trying to have one go off in my car. The whole situation is petty.My advice is fo you to seriously start a manufacturer of non deafly airbags posthaste.

Yall Are Petty: Toilet Seat Pee

Everyday I navigate the planet, and am faced repeatedly with yall being petty. This column is to address yall’s petty bullshit. Call it calling out, or calling in, or maybe just calling bullshit. I’m calling yall petty, and this is why:

Because you fail, time and time again, to keep your bodily fluids and substances off of the goddamn toilet seats. And failing that, you then fail to clean up after yourself like a goddamn adult. This phenomena, this pee on the toilet seat, is something I encounter daily in women’s restrooms in public places like Wawa or Lowe’s. My theory is that this is just some epically ironic self fulfilling prophecy from germaphobes. I posit that some women are scared they will get a germ from actually sitting on the toilet seat. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with the toilet seat and it was clean when they got there. So they engage with the dreaded hover. They hover and pee, quad muscles shaking in protest. Maybe they cling to a side rail in the stall, maybe not, could be germs there too. And when they have relieved themselves, and their leg muscles are finished quaking, there is now pee on the goddamn toilet seat. Now there is a reason to not want to sit directly on the toilet seat, and the germaphobe’s fears become justified.

Shit happens, pee happens, this is not the end of the world. It is their own pee now adorning the seat. Anyone doing this could grab an environmentally unfriendly size bunch of toilet paper and clean up their own mess. However, judging from the amount of surfacely soiled toilet seats I encounter this does not happen often.

Recently I even encountered a toilet seat in a porta potty in a park with poop on the seat. Assuming most of us humans have somewhat similar anatomy, as in, no sideways buttholes, this sort of occurrence is shameful and petty as hell.

If you insist on hovering (this is just what I assume is the root cause here) there are two things I need you to do to stop being so petty.

  1. Squats. Do squats, build up your leg muscles, stop quivering so much your pee flies all over the place.
  2. Clean up when you make a mistake. Us humans are utterly imperfect, but thats ok, as long as you fix your mistakes. Kill a tree, wipe your pee.

That is more than should have to be said on the subject of toilet seats. Train your children to use restrooms in an appropriate and considerate manner. Get over your fear of germs which as with antibacterial soaps, is only making the problem worse. I’m tired of having to open every stall door before finding that one toilet seat that hasn’t yet been peed on.

If you’ve noticed people being petty, submit your complaint and maybe I will expound upon it. If you’re mad because I pointed out how petty you are, sounds like you are being extra petty. Either way, mokarnage@gmail.com

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