Everyday I navigate the planet, and am faced repeatedly with yall being petty. This column is to address yall’s petty bullshit. Call it calling out, or calling in, or maybe just calling bullshit. I’m calling yall petty, and this is why:

I assume many of you are familiar with the type of mail which comes sealed tight and with three perforated edges which must be removed in a particular order so as to not disrupt or adversely tear the space time continuum. Often these sorts of complex paper sculptures contain one of my favorite things to receive in the mail, which is a check! Money! Love it!

When I am not expecting a check, or have not recently signed on to an online class action lawsuit based on mislabeling or bad advertising by some food company, these three tear sided papers become a different animal altogether. You may notice they come with bold words like “urgent” “final notice” “please for the love of god open me” “time is running out” etc. These urgent mailers also come in your standard letter envelope as well. 

I think these sorts of approaches to junk mail are petty as hell. They imply that there is some preexisting business arrangement or contract. And occasionally some urgent or final notice mail appears that is legitimate. Sometimes (ha) I forget to pay bills. Big deal. 

The joke is on all urgent mail senders, scammers or not. I have a petty as hell internal algorithym, which means that the more urgent and serious a piece of mail looks, the longer it takes me to open it. Longer meaning well into the span of months. Also this internal petty system of mine is great at losing said pieces of mail in lieu of opening them. Leave an unopened “final notice” bill in a satchel long enough and it vanishes into the depths of granola crumbs and squished dreams.

When I do get around to opening these urgent pieces of mail I have found that over half of them are not even worth procrastinating, they are spam that is just going in the trash. Wasting my powerful procrastination skills on nothing. So petty of these companies.

I have a busy life. A lot to do everyday, more than fits timewise. There is a hell of a lot more going on that is truly urgent than some threatening piece of paper. A full baby diaper is urgent. Me owing some asshole corporation $100 bucks is not. 

Urgent mail is petty. My not opening mail is pettier. My advice on this one, is realize I’m not gonna pay you and save yaself a stamp. My more serious advice is that all the urgent type language on envelopes sets off my anxiety like woah, and I am probably not the only one. I doubt the urgency you print onto things helps you get people to pay. Submit to my superior pettiness. When I finally do open your bill, it’s just going in my folder titled ‘Bills I Don’t Intend to Pay’.

If you’ve noticed people being petty, submit your complaint and maybe I will expound upon it. If you’re mad because I pointed out how petty you are, sounds like you are being extra petty. Either way, mokarnage@gmail.com

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