Posts tagged ‘unsolicited advice’

Y’all Are Petty: Not Living Your Life While You Have It

Everyday I navigate the planet, and am faced repeatedly with yall being petty. This column is to address yall’s petty bullshit. Call it calling out, or calling in, or maybe just calling bullshit. I’m calling yall petty, and this is why:

Cliche as it may be, every time someone I know DIES I get pretty upset (on the inside mostly, repress, repress) and am reminded of how important it is to be grateful and enjoy every moment.

I am sick and tired of all you grump bears and negative Nancys! All you grudge holders and drudgery doers. 

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Yall Are Petty: Urgent / Scam Mail

Everyday I navigate the planet, and am faced repeatedly with yall being petty. This column is to address yall’s petty bullshit. Call it calling out, or calling in, or maybe just calling bullshit. I’m calling yall petty, and this is why:

I assume many of you are familiar with the type of mail which comes sealed tight and with three perforated edges which must be removed in a particular order so as to not disrupt or adversely tear the space time continuum. Often these sorts of complex paper sculptures contain one of my favorite things to receive in the mail, which is a check! Money! Love it!

When I am not expecting a check, or have not recently signed on to an online class action lawsuit based on mislabeling or bad advertising by some food company, these three tear sided papers become a different animal altogether. You may notice they come with bold words like “urgent” “final notice” “please for the love of god open me” “time is running out” etc. These urgent mailers also come in your standard letter envelope as well. 

I think these sorts of approaches to junk mail are petty as hell. They imply that there is some preexisting business arrangement or contract. And occasionally some urgent or final notice mail appears that is legitimate. Sometimes (ha) I forget to pay bills. Big deal. 

The joke is on all urgent mail senders, scammers or not. I have a petty as hell internal algorithym, which means that the more urgent and serious a piece of mail looks, the longer it takes me to open it. Longer meaning well into the span of months. Also this internal petty system of mine is great at losing said pieces of mail in lieu of opening them. Leave an unopened “final notice” bill in a satchel long enough and it vanishes into the depths of granola crumbs and squished dreams.

When I do get around to opening these urgent pieces of mail I have found that over half of them are not even worth procrastinating, they are spam that is just going in the trash. Wasting my powerful procrastination skills on nothing. So petty of these companies.

I have a busy life. A lot to do everyday, more than fits timewise. There is a hell of a lot more going on that is truly urgent than some threatening piece of paper. A full baby diaper is urgent. Me owing some asshole corporation $100 bucks is not. 

Urgent mail is petty. My not opening mail is pettier. My advice on this one, is realize I’m not gonna pay you and save yaself a stamp. My more serious advice is that all the urgent type language on envelopes sets off my anxiety like woah, and I am probably not the only one. I doubt the urgency you print onto things helps you get people to pay. Submit to my superior pettiness. When I finally do open your bill, it’s just going in my folder titled ‘Bills I Don’t Intend to Pay’.

If you’ve noticed people being petty, submit your complaint and maybe I will expound upon it. If you’re mad because I pointed out how petty you are, sounds like you are being extra petty. Either way, mokarnage@gmail.com

Yall Are Petty: Collection Agencies

Everyday I navigate the planet, and am faced repeatedly with yall being petty. This column is to address yall’s petty bullshit. Call it calling out, or calling in, or maybe just calling bullshit. I’m calling yall petty, and this is why:

We all know collection agencies are petty. You owe some business $400 and so they call you three times a day for infitity to collect. Which can’t work out so great economically for them, but hey what do I know. 

One of the ridiculous aspects of their approach is that they often refuse to tell you who they are or where they are calling from. So petty.

 I picked one of these calls up the other day. The guy on the phone asked who I was. I asked who he was. I caved and told him my name. He refused to tell me his name or to what matter the call was regarding. He then asked me to confirm my address. I told him I was not going to give some stranger on the phone confirmation of my address. I asked again, what the call was regarding. He again refused to tell me. He then informed me that if I did not tell him my address he was going to have to make a “notation in my file that I refused to confirm my address”. I told that turd that I was making a notation in HIS file thay he refused to confirm who he was and was representing.

He did not have a response and I hung up the phone. He was being petty. To all yall telemarketer scum, I see yall being petty out there. But you do not control the boundaries of interaction. Your script may lead you to think so, but I am not tied to any script.

Why waste everyone’s time? I am either going to pay you if I do owe you, or I am not. There are plenty of scammers and liars who try to trick people into paying them, so any person is justified in being highly suspicious of you. Tell me who you are so I can hang up knowing.

To everyone working as a soldier of capitalism, I encourage you to humanize yourself in your interactions with others, and keep their humanity in mind as well. Everyone getting this calls, these are interactions we can take over. Change the limits of them. 

Keep a file. Report their behavior. Refuse to be demeaned or demoralized. Hang up the phone.

Ultimately my advice is to stop fucking calling me. Giant corporations are robbing the people 24/7, you’re CEOS should be satiated. Stop being turds.

If you’ve noticed people being petty, submit your complaint and maybe I will expound upon it. If you’re mad because I pointed out how petty you are, sounds like you are being extra petty. Either way, mokarnage@gmail.com

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