Everyday I navigate the planet, and am faced repeatedly with yall being petty. This column is to address yall’s petty bullshit. Call it calling out, or calling in, or maybe just calling bullshit. I’m calling yall petty, and this is why:

Because you fail, time and time again, to keep your bodily fluids and substances off of the goddamn toilet seats. And failing that, you then fail to clean up after yourself like a goddamn adult. This phenomena, this pee on the toilet seat, is something I encounter daily in women’s restrooms in public places like Wawa or Lowe’s. My theory is that this is just some epically ironic self fulfilling prophecy from germaphobes. I posit that some women are scared they will get a germ from actually sitting on the toilet seat. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with the toilet seat and it was clean when they got there. So they engage with the dreaded hover. They hover and pee, quad muscles shaking in protest. Maybe they cling to a side rail in the stall, maybe not, could be germs there too. And when they have relieved themselves, and their leg muscles are finished quaking, there is now pee on the goddamn toilet seat. Now there is a reason to not want to sit directly on the toilet seat, and the germaphobe’s fears become justified.

Shit happens, pee happens, this is not the end of the world. It is their own pee now adorning the seat. Anyone doing this could grab an environmentally unfriendly size bunch of toilet paper and clean up their own mess. However, judging from the amount of surfacely soiled toilet seats I encounter this does not happen often.

Recently I even encountered a toilet seat in a porta potty in a park with poop on the seat. Assuming most of us humans have somewhat similar anatomy, as in, no sideways buttholes, this sort of occurrence is shameful and petty as hell.

If you insist on hovering (this is just what I assume is the root cause here) there are two things I need you to do to stop being so petty.

  1. Squats. Do squats, build up your leg muscles, stop quivering so much your pee flies all over the place.
  2. Clean up when you make a mistake. Us humans are utterly imperfect, but thats ok, as long as you fix your mistakes. Kill a tree, wipe your pee.

That is more than should have to be said on the subject of toilet seats. Train your children to use restrooms in an appropriate and considerate manner. Get over your fear of germs which as with antibacterial soaps, is only making the problem worse. I’m tired of having to open every stall door before finding that one toilet seat that hasn’t yet been peed on.

If you’ve noticed people being petty, submit your complaint and maybe I will expound upon it. If you’re mad because I pointed out how petty you are, sounds like you are being extra petty. Either way, mokarnage@gmail.com

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Comments on: "Yall Are Petty: Toilet Seat Pee" (1)

  1. There are fewer germs on the toilet seat than the seat covers people use. You normally don’t touch a toilet seat with your hands, which are pretty dirty. Your clean butt (if you took a shower) is covered in clean underwear (we hope), so it’s less likely to catch something from a toilet seat than it is the seat covers, the sink handles, and the door to the bathroom. And don’t use the dryer–it pulls bacteria and other nasties from the floor area (your shoes are always filthy) and blows them on your hands. Paper towels not available? Wipe your hands on your own pants, shirt, or skirt. This is advice from my own doctor and repeated to me by the pediatrician that we use.

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