I feel like throwing up. I just finished a day of work, and get the news that a friend of mine died on Monday, and that the NYPD cop who strangled Eric Garner, a black man, to death on the streets of New York got off scot free.
What kind of a world do we live in.
Seriously, what kind of world is this?
Who lets this happen???
Every single damn day.
So times like these are incredibly overwhelming. I feel all the emotions inside of me welling up like a scream or sob is about to burst forth, but I can’t even process the feelings enough to go there. It feels like I’m vibrating with the things I am feeling. If this is coming out strangely, its because I am not so practiced at talking about my feelings, and I don’t even know if we have the words to describe the feelings of loss, sorrow, anger, hopelessness, etc. that strike me in times like these.
When the verdict came back on Darren Wilson, the cop who murdered Michael Brown, I didn’t have the energy for the emotions. I didn’t feel exactly numb, but I felt a little jaded, a bit like I expected that outcome and couldn’t see how things would change. I think I would have felt stronger if I’d been able to make any of the events in Richmond protesting the verdict. Surely the energy from the crowd would have leaked into me, inspiring me.
I kind of thought I was feeling burnt out. And maybe I am. I’ve got a lot of responsibilities on my own plate, and have been having to focus more on them than on activism than I have at different times in my life. It feels weird, and I don’t like feeling empty and jaded and out of touch.
For whatever reason, today the news of the cop who murdered Eric Garner hit me hard, and lit a fire inside of me. I’m glad to feel that feeling again, obviously sad that more fucked up shit happened to cause it, but relieved to have found my emotional response and my motivation. Somethings got to give, somethings got to give. (more…)